I have come to find out lately who my true friends are. Talk about pain and betrayal.  When you befriend someone or people, and you get close to them, you share your deepest and darkest secrets with them. You allow them in. You allow them to help you take down the wall that you have built your whole life to be bullet proof and as high in the sky as the stars rest. You allow them to get to know you more than you know yourself and welcome them into your family. It’s a free feeling when you have that one, or even more than just one person, that you can count on for anything and everything.

………. until you can’t.

Some of us are fortunate enough to have friends and best friends that will, without a doubt, be there no matter what. It is never ever a tit for tat. It’s never, “Well I did this for you, so you need to repay me and do this for me.” It’s never one-upping each other. Crushing each other, to gloat about what you have, knowing damn well that what you are bragging about is what your friend would die to have. Or destroying your friend instead of being happy for them when they receive acknowledgement or they accomplish something that you have always wanted to.

I think though, that we all have had or still have the person in our lives that has hurt us. We believed or still believe every single one of their apologies. Not realizing a person shouldn’t have to apologize so much. They should care enough to not do those hurtful actions or say those hurtful words again, but they don’t care enough to end their toxic ways. They know how to word an apology that will inevitably shut you up. No matter how much time we invest in over-thinking the situation so we can figure out what went wrong, we are never able to understand the logic, or lack thereof, of their mindset.

Once they apologize, we eventually forgive them. We, trustingly, become blind and numb to their truth. Then, if we are lucky enough to escape, we can finally see what everyone around us, who truly loves and respects us, has been trying to tell us the whole time. Words that were said behind our backs and actions that were plotted and/or even completed when we weren’t looking. Then, one day, we finally wake up and we can finally say that we aren’t friends anymore. Simple as that. Even though that’s harder to say than we want to admit.

We have to respect ourselves enough to be able to walk away from friends, that were in fact this whole time, foes. We must open our eyes to see that they aren’t friends, but they are actually the enemy. The person that will take all the secrets that you have trusted in them to keep will blast them as if they’re headlines on the most popular gossip magazine cover. All the while having a smile on their face, a skip in their step and growth in their ego while on their way to see how your day is going and if you want to hang out with them later. Like the power they feel they have over you has been recharged and you are now on their time schedule and pace.

When it comes to trying to figure out if this so-called “friend” is an actual friend or foe, remember these few situations that I personally dealt with that woke me up…

If you are going through a really hard time in your life and instead of being there for you, they compete with you. Their hard times are now more important than yours. Whether their “hard time” is current or in the past, they will compete just so the attention turns from you to them. If that happens, then they are a foe.

If they are more interested in or almost excited to hear about your martial problems or the drama within your family or with another friend rather than being there for you during a health scare of your dearest relative, then they are a foe.

If they make you feel guilty for either not thinking like them or following in their footsteps, then they are a foe.

If they play victim to everything that they do wrong just so you feel bad for them and you won’t get mad at them, then they are a foe.

If they never apologize for their mistakes, but instead remind you of yours because to them, they are never wrong or the bad guy, then they are a foe.

If they can’t seem to ever accept your apology for a mistake that you made and continue to not only rub it in your face, but they whine and tattletale on you to anyone who is willing to listen to them, then they are a foe.

If they say, “I’m sorry, but” and that is good enough to them, but when you make a mistake, you need to grovel and apologize so dramatically like you just committed a crime and that apology still isn’t good enough for them, then they are a foe.

If they can never be happy for you, your accomplishments or any personal gain so they find anything that reminds them that they have something better than you just to take away every ounce of you being happy and proud of yourself, then they are a foe.

If they point out your insecurities or flaws constantly, but how dare you do that to them, then they are a foe.

If they gloat about all the bougie things that they have or how easy it is for them to get the bougie crap, but when they see your humbled, family orientated, take off your shoes and get comfy on my used couch kind of lifestyle while you are cooking a homemade meal, they look at your life you’re the problem and your life is far from good enough, then they are a foe.

If they never notice how hard you work but instead minimize your hard work because you aren’t doing what they think is good enough, then they are a foe.

If they make you feel like a weirdo and a mentally unstable person with a weird, unstable family all because you and your family are close and they aren’t with theirs, then they are a foe.

If they always make you feel like you are doing everything wrong and you are messing up everything, including how you are raising your kids all because they do it very differently, then they are a foe.

If they make you feel like a weak, failing parent and spouse just to make their lack of parenting and invisible loyalty as a spouse seem far more worthy, then they are a foe.

They always say to forgive and forget. I don’t agree with that. Only people in my life who are worthy of forgiveness will receive true forgiveness from me. With friends, forgiveness comes naturally. You know that their intensions were never to hurt you. It was a slip up and you know their apology is truthful, sincere, from the heart and worthy of your acceptance. With foes, however, that’s a different story. They are under the assumption that no matter what they say or do, you’ll forgive them after they land a bulls**t apology. If they are very talented at their game, you’ll actually be apologizing to them after they switched the cards on you, and they are now the victim. In addition to that, foes look at you as someone weak and vulnerable enough to accept any and all of their apologies.

At the end of the day, we all make mistakes, right? Put our feet in our mouths? But when it is from someone or people who have taken your forgiveness for granted, just make the same mistakes repeatedly knowing damn well forgiveness from you will follow, are they really giving two craps about you or your forgiveness? Nope. The people in your life that take your forgiveness and truly respect it are the only ones that deserve your forgiveness in the first place.

Forgiving for yourself to have closure is one thing, but to forgive for the other person to have their closure is another thing. Why forgive someone who constantly takes advantage of you and your ability to forgive? Forgive, so you can have that closure. Don’t ever feel that forgiveness is a requirement because it is not. It’s healthy to forgive for your own sanity. It is also healthy to not forget. I forgive when warranted, but I don’t forget. They don’t deserve forgiveness and they definitely do not deserve you to move on and to forget like their mistakes and pain they caused you never happened in the first place.

Listen, you already in one way or another, are battling demons and trying your hardest to rise above it all. You need someone in your corner that will give you that ladder to get you out of that hole. Not take the ladder for themselves and then accuse you of not being strong enough to get out of that hole on your own. Friends alone are hard to find, but good ones are rare. The good ones that are like family. The ones that have given you so much of what they have and never asked for anything in return. The ones that respect and appreciate you giving them everything that you possible can. That’s a true friend. Someone who loves you and accepts you unconditionally, whether they gain anything out of being your friend or not. To them, just having you as their friend and having you in their lives is like owning the earth. Literally nowhere else would they rather be because with you as their friend, they already have arrived at all the places they ever dreamed of.

You never have to change who you truly are. Your black and white moments are not only accepted but adored and protected. But most importantly, your gray moments shine. Those moments that no one ever can see because they are so focused on seeing the black and white. I call the gray areas your raw moments. Those moments that are quickly overseen and ignored. Like they are irrelevant and if not irrelevant, then they are too much to handle. The same way your foe makes you feel. Irrelevant and too much to handle. When you find a friend that not only celebrates your bright moments and comforts your dark moments, but they accept and support your gray moments, you can honestly say that you have found your true ride or die.

You are worthy. Worthy enough to never have foes force you down a hole. And if, by some unfortunate reality, you do have foes that pushed you down, just know you are strong enough to climb out, with your true friends right there with the ladder. Because true friends will never have you climb that ladder alone. They will always be there holding it, making sure you never fall again.