This is going to be a very hard blog for me to write, so bear with me. It’s going to be hard because it’s not only going to be me breaking down on some things, but it’s also going to be me being vulnerable and accountable. Writing not only allows me to voice my inner thoughts and feelings in a safe and beautiful way, but it allows me to break and heal at the same time.

I have been really struggling this past year and a half or so. About 18 months of my life really took advantage of my strength and pushed my boundaries beyond their limits. All I have known is to jump onto the horse and ride the moments out, believing that on the other side of the ride would be something worth all the stress and frustration. This most recent ride didn’t seem like it was ending at a brighter moment for pretty much the entire duration. They always say to keep your arms in for the entire ride to avoid the possibly of injury. Nowhere is it posted to keep your sanity as it is about to be tested and you’re going to need it to get through this upcoming crap-coaster.

I did this to myself, so I’m getting myself back. I’m not going to cry wolf, deflect, point fingers or play the victim. I need to take accountability and realize that the poor decisions that I made this past year and a half have led to my body looking and feeling the way that it does. Granted, not all the hard times were my doing. So, yes, it would be a lot easier to say that someone’s actions or people’s actions upset me and stressed me out so badly that it all caused me to have made those bad decisions, but not in any of that am I owning up the fact that I wasn’t forced to eat ice cream in bed at 11pm. Or drink more cola than water in a day. Or have a little coffee with my creamer. Or eat enough in one sitting to feed a family of rats. Or eat the cheeseburger instead of the healthy lettuce wrap on the menu. Or be lazy just to get that extra 45 minutes of sleep instead of getting up and working out. The list goes on and on. None of that was forced. It was all my own doing and my own damage being done.

I think I am so mad at myself because I was given a 2^nd chance in life when I was 17 years old. Undiagnosed Crohn’s disease almost took my life. Months and months of being in and out of the E.R. and having numerous doctors not wanting to help me because I was a minor and too much of a liability. Right before my family and I were about to lose all hope, God blessed me with my hero, Dr. Paul Sheykhzadeh, may he rest in peace. He took me under his wing when no one else would and literally saved my life. I will forever be indebted to him, and I would give anything to be able to thank him right now. I would continue this, but I am currently writing a blog about all this, so stay tuned for that.

When you come to terms with your part in all aspects of your struggle, you then try to figure out how you can move past the pressure that you have put on yourself of unrealistic deadlines, diets, workouts and requirements. You miss one workout and the disappointment you put on yourself holds you hostage and you lose any ability to continue because you feel like you don’t deserve it or are even strong enough to keep going. It’s not the “self-encouraging pressure”. It’s the “self-sabotaging pressure”, making it almost impossible to maintain any ounce of motivation. It’s not, “You’re unstoppable.” It’s “Just stop while you’re ahead.”

I have many downfalls because I am human. I say things I shouldn’t, and I act in ways that I shouldn’t. I tend to glorify the “oops” of my decisions, instead of understanding and accepting those decisions. Understanding and accepting my decisions will give me the capability to better understand why I made those decisions in the first place. That way, in the future, those decisions don’t happen again. All of that also implies to right now. Not just the future. Because without right now, I don’t have any ground to jump into the future from. So, with all of that said, I am taking charge and owning my future again. I own the ground I am standing on. I have the strength in my legs to jump as high as I need to.

I am getting myself back. I am falling into my own arms to lift myself back up. And I’m starting all that now. I am so good at saying that I am going to start tomorrow, next week, or the first of next month, but I never do it. Again, it’s that unrealistic pressure that I keep putting on myself, making it impossible to achieve anything.

The past 18 months have really put me into dark place. I was trying to be the strong one, so someone around me can heal. It really felt like I was in it alone. I tried to stretch myself, so I could reach everyone who needed me, but I was stretching myself too thin, almost to the point of breaking. I felt like if I could step up to the plate and be the one and only person to take on it all, I would be fine. That quickly became a battle. A game already set to be lost. It was like I was standing on the home plate during the final game of the World Series and every player on the field was running towards me to win the game, but I couldn’t move. I just had to be ready to take on all the pressure, disappointment and rage that was coming.

Once the dust settled and I was able to see that I needed to take care of me, I was too exhausted. The urge to do anything and everything that I used to love to do, was gone. I didn’t have it in me anymore to do the simplest things, like cleaning my house which oddly enough I love to clean my house. I felt like I could feel myself getting more and more lost each day and it really scared me. In turn, that feeling of being lost caused me to continue to be lazy and detached from reality.

I knew that all of that needed to stop. Being lazy, detached, lost, and stretching myself too thin. By doing all of that to myself or allowing myself to swim freely in that crappy pool, I also allowed myself to believe that it was normal to feel that way. I knew that mindset also needed to stop. I started to notice myself asking, “What the hell are you doing, Joei?!” to myself about 20 times a day. After the 100^th time of asking myself that, I just couldn’t handle it anymore. I was so disappointed in myself for sitting back and watching all that crap get worse and never getting off my a** to fix any of it.

So, this time is different. This time is better. This time I am handling things differently. I understand and believe my worth, my strength and my ability to just say, “No” to all the things that tried to take me down over the past 18 months. It’s not my responsibility to fix everything because a lot of what needed to be fixed had nothing to do with me. Yet, the pressure I put on myself to fix it all and the disappointment I put on myself that I couldn’t fix it all was so unbelievably unhealthy. I needed to realize that of course I wouldn’t be able to fix it all. It had nothing to do with me.

It’s okay, and better yet, required to focus on yourself. How can you be there for others when you can barely be there for yourself? Take yourself back. Make yourself number one, so you can have the ability to handle all the runners heading your way on the home plate by simply taking a step back, allowing that chaos to run past you. You don’t have to get involved in every little thing that is happening around you. You don’t have to try and fix every little problem. Fix yourself and yourself only. Take accountability for your actions and words without using the deflect method. By doing so, you can begin to heal yourself because you are understanding your actions. By understanding your actions, you allow yourself to fix the damage that you have done.

I’m getting myself back with accountability and understanding my actions and words. You can, too. We may not be perfect, but at least we are able to take ourselves back one accountability at a time.