Life seems to be full of more yoyo tricks than smooth sailing and frankly, I’m exhausted just thinking about it. It’s like we’re climbing up a broken ladder. It seems sturdy and something you can rely on until you invest all of you. Next thing you know, you’re landing butt first on the ground wondering why it didn’t keep you safe.

Listen, while you’re standing there because it hurts too much to sit on your bruised butt and you’re thinking to yourself, “Well, just my luck!”, stop it! Give yourself some credit. Some might have looked at that ladder and slowly walked away from it while saying, “Nope!” over and over again. Not you. You had enough courage to try something wholeheartedly.  Yes, it didn’t work out the way you wanted it to, but honey, that’s called life! Life is a big yoyo, a sketchy roller coaster made out of sketchy, old wood and even a sailboat with a more holes through out it then Swiss cheese.

Let me explain this for a sec. My last year has been anything but smooth sailing. The amount of Zofran that I was taking because of being so seasick was insane. And because of that, I started to do things halfheartedly. I didn’t want to do things with all that my heart could do because I was so sick of falling right on my butt.

One day, I found myself staring at this laptop that I am typing on as we speak. Literally just staring at the screen, watching it timeout and my laptop go night night. As the screen went blank and my laptop turned off, I remember closing my eyes, breathing in a deep sigh and thinking to myself, “Man, I am tired.” I wasn’t tired to go to sleep. I was tired of doing everything halfheartedly. I couldn’t dig deep enough in me to wholeheartedly write.

Everyone who knows me knows that writing is everything to me. It is my cure. There is no better way to describe writing than it being my cure. Through all the bullying I went through, the heart breaks and everything else painful, all I had to do was grab my laptop or a pen and paper and write. There has never been a time that writing didn’t help me. So, for that moment when my laptop timed out and I couldn’t even write, I felt so empty. I wasn’t able to do the one thing that has always helped me.

I then opened my eyes, looked at the dark screen on my laptop and realized I can’t accept my cure of writing or accept my want to help others when I am doing things halfheartedly. When I started Joei and Such years ago, I made a promise to myself that I was going to give my whole heart to my writing and to all who would read it. So, it made sense as to why I couldn’t write when I was working with only half of me.

When life is hard, painful, impossible and even a daily nightmare at times, yes, it is impossible to give all of you to something or someone when you’re so used to falling on your butt. Why give all of you if you feel pain afterwards, right? Wrong. You can’t hide behind the fear of possible pain. You could potentially miss out on the biggest joys that life can give. There are bad days, months and years and the hours of each and every one of those days can seem to crawl. Trust me, I know how that feels. Oh man do I know how that feels and trust me, I will open up about that another day, I promise.

When that pain comes, remember that it will also fade. It may not completely fade away, but it will fade enough to allow you to look at life a little brighter. To allow you the courage to give your whole heart again. When those moments come, those nightmares, those dark and lost days, those moments when you can’t breathe, do me a favor. Look behind you. Yes, look behind you just briefly enough to see what you have overcome. Remind yourself that you are so strong and don’t deserve what has happened. When I was living my nightmare, it was so constant for years that I thought I deserved it. When I got older, pieces of that nightmare would show up again and that reminded me that I deserved it because bad things only happen to those who deserve it, right? I deserved it all and I must be so weak because everyone else can handle this nightmare that clearly has broken me.

The truth is, that nightmare will always be a part of my past. It will always be a terrifying memory that no matter how hard I try I will never be able to forget it. But I will be able to move on. I will be able to grow from it and take it to help others. So, when you are looking behind you just briefly enough to see that nightmare that you overcame, change your view and now look in front of you. Look at the new path in front of you where the nightmare is not hanging out at. It’s behind you and what is in front of you is one word, hope. Hope for a new day. Hope for a new deep breath that when you release it, you release all that pain and doubt that was holding you back. Hope that the dawn of a new day, is the light you need to get through your new, hopeful life.

Once you see that dawn of a new day, please smile. Smile knowing that you are able to open your eyes, raise your head from that pillow and live. You are able to live this new day. That nightmare that took so many dawns away from you is now behind you. Don’t look behind you anymore. You did once to see that it is no longer your future. Now, let it stay behind you and as you take those steps into your new light of dawn. Each step you take is a step further away from your nightmare. Will that nightmare always be there, yes. But it fades into nothing, but a memory. With your new days ahead, your future is so bright that no nightmare will ever be able fade anymore of your new dawns.

You are enough. You are deserving of a new day, a new month, a new year, a new life. You no longer need to worry about falling on your butt and remaining down of the count. You are worthy of getting up and giving your whole heart again.

Life may be a yoyo, a broken ladder, or a sailboat with holes, but it is also a better place with you in it. It is also a beautiful place when you live with your whole heart.

2 responses to “Halfhearted”

  1. you really express your feelings very well! Keep it up!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you, Aunt Judy!! ❤️


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